Stronger.
Disappointment, more than anything, is something I need to get used to. Please don’t get me wrong. Maybe I was too caught up in pushing for my independence, that I am able to do this, that I’m capable of doing that, that makes you kind of wonder. You become self-sufficient and strong. Most of the time, it’s a good thing. You would know what to do, and you can function alone, but then again, you always come back to that same feeling — that you want to be taken cared of, to be remembered.
Yes, we may be able to fend for and live on our own, but that didn’t alter our humanity altogether. It gets to you, that the strong have to stay strong in order for others to be weak. What happens when the strong now have to be the weak? Disappointment.
We do not intend to place ourselves of independent existence, rather, we place ourselves in independent existence — someone people can rely on. But then again, when the time comes for us to depend on others, disappointment.
We do not ask.
We do not demand.
We just get frustrated. It’s like the inner realms of our minds are struggling to complain, to erupt in an infuriated frenzy, saying that ‘I’m important too’; but no, that’s not the case, the predicament is always different.
For the first few times, it stings and fucks with us like hell, but true enough, as we stay and keep on top of it, we become stronger — stronger in the sense that we get number from the apathy of others, those too absorbed in the respective ‘important’ things in their lives.
I do not want to be apathetic. If I had my choice, I would choose never to be, but sometimes it is necessary in order to continue existing.
I have been disappointed, in my opinion, far more times than what a normal 19-year-old should have experienced in his life, and it is beginning to make me apathetic, lose faith in that hope that others would be different.
Maybe the time has not yet come, or maybe, rather cynically, it will never come.
I’m already dealing with a lot a lot of hurt I’ve been trying to get on top of. I’m getting on more than I can deal with. At this point, where the cracks are exposed, and the joints turn brittle, I want to be weak — I don’t want to deal with it anymore — but I know that I will get up again, stronger.
I have to be.
